"Nominated tonight is Amour, which is a foreign film that came to this country and took nominations from hard working American films."
"Also nominated is Lincoln. A movie so good that it made us forget how boring it was."
"Tonight Argo is a top contender for best remake of an unproduced sci-fi film. Argo's nominated screenplay gave us a quote that would earn me an enormous FCC fine."
"Tonight we are honoring Les Miserables, a feel good movie by Oscar standards. It is one of those 'let's put on a show and not die,' musicals."
"There were a lot of underdog stories this year. One of which is Zero Dark Thirty. Based on the incredible true story of how a good movie overcame bullying from the press to earn several Oscar nominations."
"Many of this year's films were controversial, but none more than Life of Pi which offensively used an animated tiger instead of a real one. Ang Lee, you set back tigers in this industry more than fifty years."
"Nominated tonight from Django Unchained is Quentin Tarantino's white guilt."
"Beasts of the Southern Wild is actually the only best picture nominee to portray black people as something other than slaves or Chris Tucker."
"Last year many of movies released were sequels. Unsurprisingly many of the Oscar nominated films are already working on becoming franchises. The sequel to Django Unchained has been announced as Django's Ball and Chain. Lincoln is working on a horrible sequel: Johnson. And in Les Miserables: Still Miserables watch the remaining four characters tragically die."
"A majority of the animated feature nominees were stop-motion. I am sure that this is completely unrelated to Gumby receiving Oscar membership this year."
"Many of the nominated actors are sporting beards. As opposed to the actresses where Naomi Watts is the only beard. Come on, Liev Schrieber. It's so obvious."
"Denzel Washington was nominated for effortlessly making a lying, negligent, alcoholic pilot one of the year's most likable characters. Seriously most characters in romantic comedies were less charming than your character who killed four people."
"Speaking of romantic comedies there was one nominated this year, Silver Linings Playbook. Which continues the grand rom com tradition of making us fall in love with a couple that could not possibly work."
"Silver Linings Playbook is of course an adaptation of Harvey Weinstein's 'How to Get an Oscar Nomination Playbook."